I had a difficult week. My kids and husband were sick. I was drowning in sea of laundry. I didn't have time to do anything for myself because when my kids are sick they need lots of love and attention and dang it, I'm gonna give it to them. When I'm sick I just want someone to hug me and sit with me. So that's what I did. The weather was not optimal for playing at the park while mom runs. And I couldn't really bring my kids to someone's house so I could run. So I think it's pretty obvious that I just didn't get to run like I wanted to last week.
Plus, I just had this depression going on. I don't know what caused it, but I was just kind of down. It was pretty frustrating to me because I knew I was depressed and I didn't want to feel that way but I didn't know how to fix myself. I was stuck inside and not feeling great myself which didn't make things better either. I was tired and overworked and it was a tough week. One of the worst things that started happening was that I started to feel fat. I've lost 30 frickin pounds and I felt fat! Where the heck did that come from? And because I felt fat, I started to act fat. Meaning I started to eat without thinking and made lots of excuses not to exercise or do anything really. Why did I feel fat? Then I realized that my outward appearance doesn't really have anything to do with how I feel about my body. The problem is, I'm still figuring out how to fix that. My whole life I have hated what I see in the mirror. I always thought that once I lost weight I would instantly like what I saw. Apparently I was super wrong. I've realized that the woman I see in the mirror is still me. A smaller me. But still me. My eyes are the same, my nose is the same, my ears are the same, my teeth are the same. I'm still me and there are still things that bug me. I have had two kids grow in my belly and the second one just kind of made it stay all stretched out. That may never go away. There are things that I do like. I have a jaw line. I have narrower hips. And yesterday I noticed a crease in my arm instead of a bulge which used to be there. These are little victories and I love it. But I've realized that in my mind, I am still a fat girl. When I go to sit down somewhere, I imagine I will take a larger spot than I actually will. When I go to the store I still gravitate towards the biggest size because I just don't think anything smaller will fit. When I am around thin people, I still feel like the fattest one there. I know it's not true anymore, but it's still in my head.
So weight loss is not just a physical thing. Last week our meeting topic was about believe to achieve. So once you achieve, then what? Do I just need time? Do I need pictures? Do I need to line my walls with mirrors? I don't know. I brought up my little dilemma in my meeting yesterday and I had some great feedback. One of my fellow members, Suzy gave me some amazing words of wisdom and a hug at the end of the meeting. She said, that I needed to focus on self forgiveness. I couldn't feel guilty for snuggling with my kids and taking a nap in the afternoon for making up for the sleepless night before snuggling a sick kid. The self forgiveness thing was pretty awesome. I realized that it wasn't just that week of slacking off and crazy last minute dinners (meaning going out for burgers) that I needed to forgive myself for. I need to forgive myself for 29 years of self loathing. 29 years of feeling insecure and not good enough. 16 years of failed attempts to lose weight. 16 years of negative self-talk. I need to forgive myself and love me anyway. This is going to be a process, but maybe this is how to flip that switch in my head that I know needs switching.
So to all of you who have been supporting me along this journey, THANK YOU for your positive comments. I am so grateful to have the support of my friends. I love you all dearly. I never imagined the response I would get on this blog. And I never would have imagined that several of you would be inspired to make your own changes! That's the ultimate compliment.
I gained 1.4 pounds this week, but went running yesterday and had a great run. I weighed myself this morning and am back down so all is forgiven :)
My Progress:
Week one: 4.6 lost
Week two: 2.2 lost
Week three: 0.8 lost
Week four: 2.2 lost
Week five: 3.2 lost
Week six: 1.6 lost
Week seven: 2.2 lost
Week eight: 1.2 lost
Week nine: 2.0 lost
Week ten: 3.4 lost
Week eleven: 0.4 gained
Week twelve: 2.6 lost
Week thirteen: Christmas. Didn't weigh-in.
Week fourteen: 0.8 lost
Week fifteen: 1.6 lost
Week sixteen: 1.8 lost
Week seventeen: 0.4 gained
Week eighteen: 2.0 lost
Week nineteen: 1.4 gained
Total: 30 pounds lost!
Could it have been PMDD? (Really bad PMS.) If you think this is a possibility, email me. We should talk. (Remember that the "P" is for "pre" not during your period---my symptoms always resolve no later than the second day of my period.)
ReplyDeleteNo matter if there is an identifiable cause for your depression or not, I'm sorry you had to go there. No fun. But if you're ready to look for a positive, isn't it good that you didn't have a week like this until you had already had the success of losing 30 pounds? In that time you have gained so much strength (physically and otherwise) that you can use to get back on track. If this had happened in the first few weeks, imagine how it may have derailed you more permanently. What a mercy. And you'll probably learn some good lessons from this week that will help you a lot when it comes to long-term maintenance of your weight, when it can be harder to hold yourself accountable because there is no longer a number to work for.
Anyway, I have faith in your ability to bounce back. And I believe that you are beautiful in many ways, including physically. As you do your best to recognize and honor your particular beauty (and let your desire to teach Ellie self-worth help keep you motivated to do so) I am confident that the Lord will bless you with an increased ability to look at yourself with love. You may not be able to do so perfectly all the time, but I'm sure it can get much, much better.