Week Twenty-Two: For LIFE!!!

I woke up giddy about my meeting this morning. No, I didn't. I became giddy 15 minutes after I woke. I just don't wake up giddy. I felt like today was kind of like a graduation. I took it as a day of reflection on my whole journey to where I am today. When I first walked into Weight Watchers, I felt as if I was entering rehab. This was the day I walked out of the rehab center clean and sober and ready to become a sponsor. I became a Lifetime Member of Weight Watchers today!!! I had no idea when I started this thing that 22 weeks later I would be signing the Lifetime Members poster. I remember hoping to lose 8 pounds before Thanksgiving and that seemed like an impossible feat. I lost 18. Now I sit here and type being nearly 32 pounds lighter than I was the first time I wrote in this blog. I have not only changed physically, but mentally as well. I can now say that I am confident in my own skin. I am not ashamed of the face I see in the mirror. I am in control. I am not at the mercy of the scale. It does not dictate my happiness, or sadness, frustration, etc. I know what number is going to show up on that bad boy and if it creeps up, I don't freak because I know what to do. I have learned what to eat, how to eat, and that I CAN eat! Instead of craving chocolate chip cookies when I'm stressed, I crave a run. And while I can still pack away several cookies at one time, for the most part, my appetite is much smaller than it ever was. I just need a tiny bit of a naughty food and I'm good to go.
Though I've reached Lifetime status (meaning I've met my goal weight and maintained it for 6 weeks), I don't feel like this whole thing is just over. To me, being a Lifetime member means that Weight Watchers is my life. Its teachings are a part of me now. I can honestly say that I LOVE IT! And because of my love for the program, I have gotten a job with Weight Watchers and soon will be giving back and introducing others to a program that can truly change their lives too. I was ready for this. I didn't think I was in the beginning. The first 3 weeks were pretty hard. But after about a month, things started to come a little more naturally and now nearly 5 months out, it is almost second nature. I am still far from the person I want to be. However, in this aspect of my life, I am much much closer.
I struggled a little bit to maintain my weight these past 6 weeks because my weight kept wanting to go down. And by struggle I mean I ate ice cream and candy. Such a sacrifice. So my plan now is just to keep at it and see what my body does. I have a 5K to train for and we'll see what happens. If I stay the same, honestly, I'll be happy. I really am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. But if I lose some more weight, I can't complain either. This is a totally new place for me in life. I have never been as healthy or as in control of my body as I am today. I don't really know what to do next. I feel like I'm not ready to leave my weekly meeting, and the members there I consider family. But I'll be starting my job there soon and might need to just dedicate my time to that. It will just be an adjustment. And just how I adjusted to the program one step at a time, I'll be adjusting to this part of my life one step at a time as well. I have learned how to make new habits by implementing little changes one at a time until they become a habit. So here we go. One little thing at a time.
I think my first little thing should be a makeover. Yeah? Yeah.

My Progress:
Week one:   4.6 lost
Week two:   2.2 lost
Week three: 0.8 lost
Week four:   2.2 lost
Week five:    3.2 lost
Week six:     1.6 lost
Week seven: 2.2 lost
Week eight:  1.2 lost
Week nine:   2.0 lost
Week ten:    3.4  lost
Week eleven: 0.4 gained
Week twelve: 2.6 lost
Week thirteen: Christmas. Didn't weigh in.
Week fourteen: 0.8 lost
Week fifteen: 1.6 lost
Week sixteen: 1.8 lost
Week seventeen: 0.4 gained
Week eighteen: 2.0 lost
Week nineteen: 1.4 gained
Week twenty: On my death bed. Didn't weigh in.
Week twenty-one: 1.8 lost
Week twenty-two: .2 lost

Total: 31.4 pounds lost!

Week 21: You Get Back On

I was noticeably absent last week. Both from my meeting and my blog. What do you do when you fall off the horse? You get back on. I really didn't fall off a horse. I was more bucked off and trampled upon. If I thought the previous week was bad, the next was terrible. My family was all still sick, and then I became sick. The mom can't get sick! Monday morning I woke up feverish and in so much pain. I was afraid it was the flu but it turned out to be just a horrible sinus infection. I say "just" like it was nothing. It really was the worst sinus infection I've ever had. And I've had a lot. Maybe 40 or so? I had surgery 8 years ago to fix the problem, but it didn't quite do that. It just made the problem less frequent. Needless to say, I skipped my last meeting and weigh-in. I have not had much of an appetite for the past week and I have felt too crummy to cook so just about every meal has been fast food. I'm totally serious. I think we've put the carhop at Sonic through college. Or at least the CEO's kids. So even though I didn't eat much, everything I put in my mouth was pretty close to crap and I didn't work out at all. (That was thanks to pulling out my back Wedesday night putting Ellie back in bed). I was a mess. Yet I still lost about 3 1/2 pounds. I knew this was all fake but I have to stay within 2 pounds of my goal weight so I just wore heavy clothes today and clocked in at -1.8 pounds. I think my self-forgiveness thing was vital to my sense of well-being this week. I have been much more positive this week than last. I never really looked at myself and said, "Wow baby, you're looking good" but not because I felt fat, but because my eye was swollen and my face was flushed and sunken in. On the contrast, I didn't look in the mirror and say, "Wow ugly, you're fat and lazy and eating nothing but crap. Way to go stupid head." I realized that I didn't really have control over my circumstances and I was just going to ride it out and do the best I could. I have forgiven myself for being that mean person who called myself "stupid head" all the time and by doing that, the nice me is all that's left. The power of positive self-talk is extreme. I can never shut up the voice that rings in my head. It's always there. But I have control over what it says. Because it's my voice. And what I tell myself really sticks. It's rubber, and I'm glue. It sticks. The world can try to bring me down, but I know I have power to conquer it and if I can't quite conquer, I can at least ride it out until things start to look up.
Next week will mark 6 weeks since meeting my goal weight. This means I will become a lifetime member! I am thrilled that I have done this. Looking back at the beginning, I didn't think I would ever get here. And if I ever did, I didn't think I would be here this soon. Weight Watchers has changed me as a person for the better. I am  more positive and more optimistic about the future. I can't wait to start working (Saturday is my first day!) and be a part of other people's successes. It is seriously one of the most rewarding things I have ever been a part of. I can't wait to celebrate next week!

My Progress:
Week one:   4.6 lost
Week two:   2.2 lost
Week three: 0.8 lost
Week four:   2.2 lost
Week five:    3.2 lost
Week six:     1.6 lost
Week seven: 2.2 lost
Week eight:  1.2 lost
Week nine:   2.0 lost
Week ten:    3.4  lost
Week eleven: 0.4 gained
Week twelve: 2.6 lost
Week thirteen: Christmas. Didn't weigh in.
Week fourteen: 0.8 lost
Week fifteen: 1.6 lost
Week sixteen: 1.8 lost
Week seventeen: 0.4 gained
Week eighteen: 2.0 lost
Week nineteen: 1.4 gained
Week twenty: On my death bed. Didn't weigh in.
Week twenty-one: 1.8 lost

Total: 31.2 pounds lost!

Week Nineteen: Sick Kids=Tired Mommy

I had a difficult week. My kids and husband were sick. I was drowning in sea of laundry. I didn't have time to do anything for myself because when my kids are sick they need lots of love and attention and dang it, I'm gonna give it to them. When I'm sick I just want someone to hug me and sit with me. So that's what I did. The weather was not optimal for playing at the park while mom runs. And I couldn't really bring my kids to someone's house so I could run. So I think it's pretty obvious that I just didn't get to run like I wanted to last week.
Plus, I just had this depression going on. I don't know what caused it, but I was just kind of down. It was pretty frustrating to me because I knew I was depressed and I didn't want to feel that way but I didn't know how to fix myself. I was stuck inside and not feeling great myself which didn't make things better either. I was tired and overworked and it was a tough week. One of the worst things that started happening was that I started to feel fat. I've lost 30 frickin pounds and I felt fat! Where the heck did that come from? And because I felt fat, I started to act fat. Meaning I started to eat without thinking and made lots of excuses not to exercise or do anything really. Why did I feel fat? Then I realized that my outward appearance doesn't really have anything to do with how I feel about my body. The problem is, I'm still figuring out how to fix that. My whole life I have hated what I see in the mirror. I always thought that once I lost weight I would instantly like what I saw. Apparently I was super wrong. I've realized that the woman I see in the mirror is still me. A smaller me. But still me. My eyes are the same, my nose is the same, my ears are the same, my teeth are the same. I'm still me and there are still things that bug me. I have had two kids grow in my belly and the second one just kind of made it stay all stretched out. That may never go away. There are things that I do like. I have a jaw line. I have narrower hips. And yesterday I noticed a crease in my arm instead of a bulge which used to be there. These are little victories and I love it. But I've realized that in my mind, I am still a fat girl. When I go to sit down somewhere, I imagine I will take a larger spot than I actually will. When I go to the store I still gravitate towards the biggest size because I just don't think anything smaller will fit. When I am around thin people, I still feel like the fattest one there. I know it's not true anymore, but it's still in my head.
So weight loss is not just a physical thing. Last week our meeting topic was about believe to achieve. So once you achieve, then what? Do I just need time? Do I need pictures? Do I need to line my walls with mirrors? I don't know. I brought up my little dilemma in my meeting yesterday and I had some great feedback. One of my fellow members, Suzy gave me some amazing words of wisdom and a hug at the end of the meeting. She said, that I needed to focus on self forgiveness. I couldn't feel guilty for snuggling with my kids and taking a nap in the afternoon for making up for the sleepless night before snuggling a sick kid. The self forgiveness thing was pretty awesome. I realized that it wasn't just that week of slacking off and crazy last minute dinners (meaning going out for burgers) that I needed to forgive myself for. I need to forgive myself for 29 years of self loathing. 29 years of feeling insecure and not good enough. 16 years of failed attempts to lose weight. 16 years of negative self-talk. I need to forgive myself and love me anyway. This is going to be a process, but maybe this is how to flip that switch in my head that I know needs switching.
So to all of you who have been supporting me along this journey, THANK YOU for your positive comments. I am so grateful to have the support of my friends. I love you all dearly. I never imagined the response I would get on this blog. And I never would have imagined that several of you would be inspired to make your own changes! That's the ultimate compliment.
I gained 1.4 pounds this week, but went running yesterday and had a great run. I weighed myself this morning and am back down so all is forgiven :)

My Progress:
Week one:   4.6 lost
Week two:   2.2 lost
Week three: 0.8 lost
Week four:   2.2 lost
Week five:    3.2 lost
Week six:     1.6 lost
Week seven: 2.2 lost
Week eight:  1.2 lost
Week nine:   2.0 lost
Week ten:    3.4  lost
Week eleven: 0.4 gained
Week twelve: 2.6 lost
Week thirteen: Christmas. Didn't weigh-in.
Week fourteen: 0.8 lost
Week fifteen: 1.6 lost
Week sixteen: 1.8 lost
Week seventeen: 0.4 gained
Week eighteen: 2.0 lost
Week nineteen: 1.4 gained

Total: 30 pounds lost!