Am I crazy?

This morning I registered to do this in April.

When you end up covered in pink from head to toe, how could it be wrong???

Unlucky 13? Nah, just bad timing.

*Note: I wrote this 3 days ago and then had to quickly stop because a certain 2-year-old felt like it was his turn to type. I was almost done and just plum forgot to publish.

So technically this is week 13. I didn't weigh in this week because I usually go on Tuesday mornings and it was Christmas this week so they were closed and I was too busy putting together kids' toys and a special breakfast. I had planned to go in on Wednesday just to weigh in but they didn't open until 4 and your weight can fluctuate so much in a day so I decided against it. I want to have consistency. It's still to recently that I had my little gain and I just didn't want to set myself up for disappointment. So I'm skipping this week and I'll weigh in next Tuesday. I'm not slacking off this week, however. I've been sticking to the plan and I think I've done rather well! I cooked a Christmas feast that added up to 21 points. We learned that an average Thanksgiving plate can have at least 83 points so I think 21 is pretty good. It was so delicious and I was stuffed by the end. It even included a delicious dessert I made up so I'll post that recipe soon. So good! Yesterday morning I woke up and really wanted to get some exercise in but it was 23 degrees with a wind chill of 8 so I was a little scared. After living in a tropical climate for 4 years, this north Texas chilliness is really getting to me! Gosh I'm a wuss. But I wanted to get out and walk/run. My sister-in-law asked me to run a 5K with her in April and I'm going to do it! So I donned my best looking layers (I looked ridiculous) and went out for a half hour. I ran about half and walked about half. Not bad. My face was numb but it felt really good to run. I used to want to die after .2 miles. I've noticed that I am beginning to get some kind of endurance. A 5K in April seems so possible!!
And here's the best part. I got some gift cards for Christmas and had the chance to go shopping without kids last night. Yay for YaYa! (Corey's mom) I tried on a dress that was a 12. Too big! I tried on some jeans that were a 12. Too big! It was AWESOME!!!! Last September I went to that same store and was squeezing in 16's and almost filling out the 18's.  I ended up buying two pairs of jeans and love them! When I sat in Chick-fil-a talking about Weight Watchers with my friend I never would have guessed that I would have so much success. I remember her saying that she LOVED Weight Watchers and thinking that was a little much. Who LOVES their weight loss program? Apparently I do! I can honestly say that I LOVE Weight Watchers. I have seen in work not only in helping people lose weight, but it works in the mind too. I have such a positive outlook on food and exercise now. It's a whole life plan, not just a weight loss plan.On to next week!

Week Twelve: A major award!

First off, I can't believe it's been 12 weeks since I started this whole thing. Time has flown by! Everything else I've ever tried dies out after about 8 weeks. Tops. I think it just goes to show how important it is for me to attend meetings. I really think they have made a huge difference for me. I knew that my problem before was that I was always doing it alone. I never knew how great an impact a room full of strangers would have on my life. They are all becoming like my family. I know we just see each other once a week and talk about food and living our lives better, but I would so jump in front of a bus to save any of them.
Now that you all have a morbid image in your minds, I'll move on to my progress. To be honest, I think I was a little more bummed about my gain last week than I let on. I try to be totally open on this blog and not let anything hold me back, but maybe I didn't know how bummed I was until I wrote it. I was pretty bummed. I was nervous I'd never get lower than 172 pounds for the rest of my life. I was trying to convince myself that if this was it I'd be fine. Then I woke up and realized that I'm better than that and I still have a ways to go if I want to be at a healthy weight. So I picked myself up and pulled it together. I didn't quite know what to expect when I got on the scale. I don't even know what I was hoping for. Just a negative number I guess. Well, I got a negative number. 2.6 negative numbers! It just goes to show that one week is not going to kill you. A little gain is not going to ruin your whole progress. The best part is, I broke the 170 barrier! Okay, by .2 pounds but hey, 169.8 looks a whole lot smaller than 170! I am 6 pounds away from no longer being considered overweight. It is an amazing feeling.
As for my major award...I got my 25 pound charm!

Source

Yeah, I'm to busy to take my own photo. But mine looks exactly the same. Seriously, these little tokens and stickers are so juvenile but totally work! It is so awesome to win a prize. No, not win. Winning is by chance. I earned this! I am truly becoming the person I want to be. Not just from a weight perspective, but I am slowly learning how to control my life and really by the person I imagine myself to be. One day at a time.

My Progress:
Week one:   4.6 lost
Week two:   2.2 lost
Week three: 0.8 lost
Week four:   2.2 lost
Week five:    3.2 lost
Week six:     1.6 lost
Week seven: 2.2 lost
Week eight:  1.2 lost
Week nine:   2.0 lost
Week ten:    3.4  lost
Week eleven: 0.4 gained
Week twelve: 2.6 lost

Total: 25.6 pounds lost!!

Ohhhh...Oatmeal

It's been chilly in Central Texas all week. Chilly even by my Utah standards. We have been waking up to below freezing temperatures with wind chills in the teens. This week has been a great day to experiment with oatmeal. I grew up eating oatmeal with a splash of milk and some brown sugar. To be honest, I don't really love it. But that's all I knew. Until I discovered Pinterest! It was there that my eyes were opened to about 452 different oatmeal recipes. I knew you could put oatmeal in cookies and facial scrubs, but that was about as far as I imagined. I have yet to try the overnight refrigerated oatmeal, but I came across a blog with a bunch of oatmeal recipes and had to try some. Mainly because one was chocolate. It's from Chocolate Covered Katie so of course she'd have chocolate. And she has lots with chocolate!!! I tried the 5-minute Chocolate Oatmeal and had a wonderful, chocolatey breakfast. I didn't love the banana in it (too healthy I guess) so I made it a few days later and it was fantastic!  Later, I came across another oatmeal pin (among literally thousands) and was intrigued by the Peanut Butter and Jelly Oatmeal. Sorry, I don't remember the site I saw it on, but I just did an image search on Google and oh boy... Basically, you make oatmeal and add a spoonful of peanut butter, and a spoonful of jelly. Or jam. Or preserves. Or whatever you want to call it. Then I got creative. This morning, I added peanut butter and CHOCOLATE!!! I only needed a tablespoon of semi-sweet chocolate chips (0 PointsPlus) to get a great chocolate effect.
I have been having a great time experimenting with oatmeal. My favorite by far has been this morning's chocolate peanut butter oatmeal. I love no bake cookies and that's pretty much what this tastes like. Only it's 5 points and keeps me full til lunch. I am now fully entangled in a love affair with oatmeal. If you have a favorite, leave me a comment. Or try some of these and let me know if you like them. I think I'll venture to baked oatmeal next!

Week Eleven: My First Gain

I didn't gain 5 pounds or anything. I gained 0.4 pounds. Emphasis on the zero. I knew my number was a little skewed last week because of my pukeyness the two days before. And may I just emphasize that I am not pregnant. When you're in your childbearing years that's the first thing people think when you throw up or even get nauseous. No, I just had a bug. So my goal was to maintain that weight loss this week and gaining 0.4 (emphasis on zero) really isn't too bad. It made me a little bummed, but now that I am two days out and have seen my own scale start to go down again I'm a little more optimistic. And...I put on some size 12 jeans today. They fit. They look good. I can breathe in them. I can walk in them too. Pretty amazing!
Here's another pretty amazing thing. I stayed after the meeting for a little Power Start session. It's for newbies to kind of teach them the program, but I stayed because Weight Watchers has just rolled out their new Weight Watchers 360 and I felt like I needed a little boost what with the gain and all. I just needed a refresher. So the session was pretty much like the one I had attended before but with a different name. We discussed routines and just like the previous class, we were asked to build a sandwich. I remembered that when I first went to that class, I wanted a sandwich on artisan bread with a lot of juicy meat, gooey cheese, creamy avocado and bacon. Bacon needs no adjective. As I built my sandwich, I noticed that I didn't care so much about the bread. And I really didn't even want meat. I just wanted a bulky, veggie sandwich with some laughing cow spread. I pretty much built a 5 point sandwich (mainly because there was avocado). The one I wanted before was about 12 points. I added bacon because I felt like I should, but if it was a real sandwich, I wouldn't have put bacon. I do like bacon, don't get me wrong. I just saw that my desires are truly becoming healthier today.
One thing I love about Christmastime is mint M&M's. I think you can buy them year-round now, but for me they're a holiday treat. I succumbed today and bought a package. I got some out for Jack, then I carefully measured out some for me. I gave myself a good sized serving. But I ate about 6 and realized I was done. Granted, I have been snacking on them throughout the day, but just a few at a time. Before, I could have sat down with the giant bag and eaten all of them in one sitting! What I'm getting at here is that I am starting to see myself making good choices without even thinking about it. Sweet things are almost too sweet. I don't need a lot to be satisfied. I'm subconsciously thinking like a skinny person I guess. It has all just kind of gradually happened. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. It's a really great feeling.
So even if I packed on 0.4 pounds this week, I am really on track to the change in my life I have set out to make. It is possible!!!

Progress so far:

Week one:   4.6 lost
Week two:   2.2 lost
Week three: 0.8 lost
Week four:   2.2 lost
Week five:    3.2 lost
Week six:     1.6 lost
Week seven: 2.2 lost
Week eight:  1.2 lost
Week nine:   2.0 lost
Week ten:    3.4  lost
Week eleven: 0.4 gained

total: 23 pounds lost

Week Ten: The Ultimate Goal

Last week I reached my 10% weight loss goal. I think it was pretty obvious how awesome I thought that was. When you join Weight Watchers they encourage you to start by losing 5% of your starting weight, then 10%, then choosing your ultimate weight loss goal and work toward that. I've hit the first two milestones so I decided today was the day to set that ultimate goal. A weight healthy for me is anywhere between 132 and 164 pounds. I set a goal of 160. I know it's towards the high end of a healthy BMI, but I'll be honest. I'm a chicken. I'm afraid if I set a goal of 140 pounds I'll freak out and give up. Or even worse, I would never make it. I know both of those are stupid but it is what it is and I've learned that small steps are what work for me. So 160 it is. We'll see what my body does after that. 160 isn't bad though, right? I'm still in the 170's and honestly feeling pretty good about it. I went to Kohl's the other day and tried on a dress that was a 12. It fit!!! The last time I was trying on clothes, I was squeezing into 16's and looking for 18's that didn't exist because they were at Lane Bryant. I would have bought that size 12 dress but it was too short. It was satisfaction enough to zip that thing up and have breathing room. Imagine what I could zip up at 160! Last Christmas my sister-in-law handed down some jeans to me. Two are size 10 and one is a 12. The 12 fits but they're tighter than I feel comfortable. My goal is to get comfortably in the 10's.
Ultimate goal. It kind of sounds final, but as I've said before, this is a relocation, not a journey where I'll turn back once I get there and enjoy the sights. Just because I hit my ultimate goal doesn't mean that I still can't lose right? And even then, if I don't lose any more, I'll be at a healthy weight which was the ultimate goal anyway right? So 160 is okay? Maybe I'm just looking for validation.
As for this week, I'm kind of a cheater since I didn't eat anything on Sunday since I was fasting, and from Sunday night until Monday afternoon I was throwing up thanks to either some bug or sheer exhaustion from taking care of a girl with a raging ear infection with no husband to back me up. (He's out of town). So my numbers are probably a little skewed this week. 3.4 pounds lost this week! I'd say 2 of those are cheater points. We'll see what happens next week.

Progress so far:
Week one:   4.6 lost
Week two:   2.2 lost
Week three: 0.8 lost
Week four:   2.2 lost
Week five:    3.2 lost
Week six:     1.6 lost
Week seven: 2.2 lost
Week eight:  1.2 lost
Week nine:   2.0 lost
Week ten:    3.4  lost

Total:  23.4 pounds lost!!!

Their Dirty Little Secret...

It took me a while to get on Pinterest, and now that I am, I can't stop. I do like it as a resource to find healthier foods. I'm not one to get special nut butters and use some seaweed derived sludge to replace eggs or sugar. I just skip those recipes no matter how good they look. I have found some really good looking recipes that use real ingredients that add up to a PointsPlus value of 1 or 2. I've tried a few of them.

Here's what I discovered...

When people use real ingredients, they just make the serving size really really tiny. I'm not all about tiny unless it relates to my waist size. I don't want to make 45 cookies from one batch and then just eat one. That's just impossible for me. I'd rather eat a huge cookie or 2 normal sized cookies and feel satisfied for a few more points then waste a point on something that just wet my tongue and makes me want more. Wanting more cookies is really bad when there are 44 left in your kitchen.

For Thanksgiving, I wanted to make myself a really good, fall-ish dessert that would make me happy and not feel bad for saying no to pie. Mission accomplished. I made the easiest Pumpkin Mousse ever and it was so rich and decadent!! Here's how: (I promise one day I'll put pictures up for all my recipes. And one day I'll put up more. This is a learning process for me as I try new things. I don't want to share stuff that isn't good!)

Okay, here's really how. You will need:
1 pkg Jello Pumpkin Spice Instant Pudding. (or any flavor you'd like. Pumpkin is seasonal. I'm trying peppermint next!) 
1 cup Skim Milk
1 8 oz tub of Cool Whip Lite
1 cinnamon graham cracker (crushed to tiny crumbs)

Combine Jello and milk with a whisk. Follow the directions on the package but instead of using 2 cups of milk, just do one cup. Instant Jello tends to be really soft-set. Halving the milk makes it firmer which you'll need. After you've whisked the pudding, let it set (this is a good time to crush some crumbs) for about 5 minutes. Then take out your thawed Cool Whip and add about 1/3 of the container to the pudding. Carefully fold it in. Then add another third, and fold that in. Finally, you can add the final third. Sure, you could put the whole container in at once, but in my experience, adding it slower helps things mix/fold together better while keeping the volume. Air is zero points so you'll want lots of that :)

Next, take about 1 teaspoon of graham cracker crumbs and fill the bottoms of 8 ramekins. Fill the ramekins with the mousse then top with just a sprinkle of the crumbs to top it off. Put them in the fridge and let them set for at least an hour before serving.

The pudding is so flavorful that you don't need a ton to feel satisfied. But the Cool Whip adds volume so you feel like you're really eating a lot. But it's a lot of air. I love it!! You could make this and put it in a pie crust. I just don't know the PointsPlus value. Each ramekin of this pumpkin mousse is 4 PointsPlus. A slice of pumpkin pie (like 1/16th of the pie) is 14 points! If you've ever had Dairy Queen's Pumpkin Pie Blizzard, this mousse tastes a lot like that! It is seriously one of my favorite things I've made. EVER!

Like I said, I'm trying peppermint pudding next. I'll put it in an oreo crust and top it with a little hot fudge. So naughty! But not really! Happy Eating my friends!

Week Nine: I'd like to thank the Academy...

My leader said that when she received her 10% milestone key chain you may as well had given her an Emmy. It meant that much to her. I didn't cry when I got mine, but I kind of did a happy dance and started high-fiving everyone when I got on the scale and saw that not only had I reached my 10% milestone, but I beat it by another pound!!! I worked my tail off last week. I walked and walked and walked really fast and even ran a little bit. Instead of taking a nap on Thanksgiving, I went on a walk. I didn't have any control over what would be cooked on Thanksgiving but I had control over how much I ate and how much I moved. I was praying for 1 pound and got 2!

I've decided to post some pictures. It's really hard to find a good "before" picture because I hid from the camera for so long!!! And in the pictures I did find, I noticed I was hiding behind people. I'm feeling a little more confident in front of the camera now that I'm 20 POUNDS LIGHTER!!!

Here's me last April. Those pants were TIGHT! Now they are starting to fall off me. :)

This should be in Glamour's Don't section. That's a major DON'T!

That's one handsome man! I thought this outfit was slimming on me. This was 10 pounds lighter than I was when I started Weight Watchers!

This one is for Jena. This is my key chain! It's shiny and copper with a little hint of pink!

This is what I see looking back at me. I bought these pants when I was engaged (7 years ago!) and they haven't fit in about 5 years. Why I kept them, I don't know.) Now they are a little too big!

Here's my profile. Sort of. It's like, "Hey, where'd I go?" Just kidding, there's still plenty of junk in my trunk.

I've really noticed a change in my face. This is good and not so good. Last time my face was this thin I was 20. Now I'm getting a little jowly and I feel a bit older. But it's worth it!! My nose looks bigger too now that I don't have a ton of cheeks to balance it out. That's okay. If it works for Barbara Streisand, it works for me!

This was a great week. I reached my goal regardless of Thanksgiving. I still ate turkey and all that stuff but sensibly and with a purpose. I realize that Thanksgiving is going to come every year and I may as well enjoy it. Now I know I can get through the holidays because if this girl can lose 2 pounds during the week of Thanksgiving, anything is possible!!!

I also want to take a minute to thank all of you who read this and support me with your comments, texts, etc. It was so surprising to me to see how much everyone is rooting for me. I had no idea people would be waiting for me to post about my weigh-ins so eagerly. It warms my heart to hear that I have inspired people to take control of their lives and lose weight too. It makes it all worth it for me! Sure, I'm doing this for myself, but honestly, I feel better knowing that I am helping others. Thank you all so much for your continued support and encouragement!! You are such a big part of my success. There should be a little charm for you all to go on my new awesome key chain!

Progress:
Week One:   4.6 lost
Week Two:   2.2 lost
Week Three: 0.8 lost
Week Four:  2.2 lost
Week Five:   3.2 lost
Week Six:     1.6 lost
Week Seven: 2.2 lost
Week Eight:   1.2 lost
Week Nine:   2.0 lost
Total: 20 pounds lost!!!

Week Eight: Belts

I bought my mom bought me a pair of capris last May. I love them. They are dark with white stitching and a cute design on the pockets. They fit perfectly. They were also a size 16. But they fit so well that I looked like I was a 14. I wore them the other day and I couldn't keep them up! I had to put on a belt. I've had that belt since college and for a while I couldn't wear it. I don't know why I kept it. But I'm glad I did because now I need it! My clothes are all getting too big but I don't want to buy new clothes until I'm down where I want to be. I'd like to lose about 15 more pounds and I don't want to waste money on in-between clothes. This is such a great problem to have!!
This week I lost 1.2 pounds. I am 1 pound away from reaching my 10% goal. This is huge because you get a key chain when you reach your 10% goal. When you're on Weight Watchers, this key chain becomes a very coveted object. It symbolizes so much. I WANT IT!!! Thanksgiving stands between me and my getting a key chain next week. I will conquer Thanksgiving. I HAVE to conquer Thanksgiving (and the day before and after). People say, "Thanksgiving is just one day." But it's not. Thanksgiving lasts for as long as you have company and for as long as the leftovers are in the fridge. My company arrives in about an hour. We already have plans for lunch. But I have knowledge and tools on my side. What I'm doing is working and I will get through this weekend!! And darn it, I'm going to get myself a 10% key chain next Tuesday. Just watch and see!!!

Progress:
Week one:    4.6 lost
Week two:    2.2 lost
Week three:  0.8 lost
Week four:   2.2 lost
Week five:    3.2 lost
Week six:     1.6 lost
Week seven: 2.2 lost
Week eight:  1.2 lost

Total:  18 pounds lost!!

Week Seven: Seventies

My poor little neglected blog. I haven't forgotten about you. In fact, it has been just the opposite. I constantly think about you because there are so many little successes that I mean to record but then life gets in the way and I get sidetracked. A little boy who is almost two also gets in the way. Whenever I am on the computer, he climbs up on me saying, "Cookie!". He wants to watch Cookie Monster on YouTube. So if I put him in front of the computer watching Sesame Street clips does that make me a neglectful mother AND neglectful blogger? I can live with that...
So yes, I keep having little successes! My clothes are starting to fit much looser. I am starting to see a difference in the way I look. My face is a little slimmer. My hips are narrower. My knees are even a little less chubby. I lost another 2.2 pounds this week which is amazing considering I felt terrible all week and didn't want to eat anything but chocolate. Food had no appeal to me. We were all sick and achy. But it just goes to show that even when you don't feel good and your family doesn't feel good and you have to order pizza more times than not, you can still lose weight!
Big milestone this week was that I've moved out of the 180's to the 170's! I haven't been in the 170's since before Ellie. This is a great feeling but it's also kind of an emotional roadblock. The thinnest I've ever really been is about what I am now. My junior and senior years of college were pretty much my thinnest. Sure, I was lighter in high school, but I was rounder somehow. I was more fit in college (thank you RB hill) and was just slimmer. I didn't try, I didn't work hard at it. I just played a lot, ran a little, walked up lots of hills to and from classes, played wheelchair rugby and went to yoga 2 or 3 times a week. I lived off of ice cream and cereal and looked pretty good. The thing that kind of scares me is that I've never really been slimmer than this. I feel great, I really do. But I want to do better. I'm still not at a healthy BMI. I'm close, but that's not good enough for me. I've also had 2 kids since college and my body is shaped a little differently now because of it. I want to be slimmer. I want to be healthier. I know I can, but there's still just this little emotional wall. I know it's not a physical wall and that I will get over it. Before I showered this morning I was 174.4 on my scale. That's lighter than I was on Tuesday when I weighed in. Granted I was fully dressed at my meeting, but still, lighter. I know the program works. I know it's working for me. I just have to get over this wall. And I will. Just give me a couple of weeks.

Week 1:  4.6 lost
Week 2:  2.2 lost
Week 3:  0.8 lost
Week 4:  2.2 lost
Week 5:  3.2 lost
Week 6:  1.6 lost
Week 7:  2.2 lost

Total: 16.8 lost!!

Week Six: Got through Halloween!

I tried to be so good on Halloween. I bought candy I didn't really like and didn't open it until trick-or-treaters showed up. I left the bag out for them to partake from until it was empty. I thought I was pretty awesome. Then I looked in my kids' buckets. They got some really good chocolate. It became increasingly difficult to refrain from stealing my kids' loot. So I allowed myself to give in. But just a little bit. I didn't go overboard and that was a little victory. I would have eaten half of their chocolate Halloween night (and did!) a year ago. However, I realized that I wasn't on a good road when I would get to dinnertime with 6 points left for the day. So Saturday I tightened things up a bit and tried to really stick to what I know works. And to be truthful, the candy didn't taste as good as I remember it.
It was kind of like the time I ate a doughnut. It was really good. But about 6 bites was all I needed. I still love chocolate. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE chocolate. But I'm learning that I really only need a little bit and I'm good to go. Maybe I'm learning it, maybe my body is being conditioned to be that way. I don't have to know how or why, all I know is that I'm building good habits without feeling deprived in any way. I love it!
I weighed in knowing that I didn't have the greatest week and was happy to see that I lost over a pound and a half! I'm getting close to 15 pound total weight loss. It's exciting. I keep losing and feeling better every day. Even through Halloween!

Bring it on Thanksgiving.

Week One: 4.6 lost
Week Two: 2.2 lost
Week Three: 0.8 lost
Week Four: 2.2 lost
Week Five 3.2 lost
Week Six: 1.6 lost

Total: 14.6 pounds lost!

Week Five: GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!

All I needed was .2 pounds. Two tenths of a pound. That's like a sneeze. I knew I could do it. I had a really difficult week and wasn't expecting a high number. As I took off my shoes and stepped on the scale I was just hoping for .2. When Linda, the receptionist got a big smile on her face I asked how much. 3.2!!! Say wha???? I lost the .2 and 3 pounds more!?!?! So I not only reached my 5% milestone today, but I got another 5lb milestone and am 2 pounds away from the next 5 lb! I have lost a total of 13 pounds and I am starting to see it, feel it, and believe that I can continue to do it.
My pants are fitting a little looser. I can see that my face is a little slimmer. It's easier to make healthier choices. Frighteningly, sweets just don't taste as awesome as they once did. And one of the best things is that I'm off one of my blood pressure meds! All last week I was feeling tired and my vision was all shifty and I just felt weird. I went to my doctor and it turns out that my blood pressure was too low! That hasn't happened ever, but really since being pregnant with Ellie my blood pressure has never been normal without help. I stopped one of my meds and I feel awesome. I still can't believe I lost 3.2 pounds this week. I've had ice cream and Halloween candy but very much within reason. The program is working and it's realistic. I really am gaining confidence that I can do this. 16 pounds by Thanksgiving really is attainable. Those guys at Weight Watchers know what they're talking about. Yup, I can do this!

Week One: 4.6 lost
Week Two: 2.2 lost
Week Three: 0.8 lost
Week Four: 2.2 lost
Week Five: 3.2 lost

Total: 13 pounds lost!!!

Recipe of the Week: Chicken Parmesan Sliders

I'm pretty excited about this recipe I discovered last week. It was super tasty. 10 PointsPlus.
My inspiration is from Everyday Food. They had a recipe for Spaghetti and Chicken Parmesan meatballs which I made Sunday night. I had leftovers so Monday we had sliders. Can I just say that the leftovers are almost better than the original? If I can, then I will say it. The leftovers ARE better! Italian food really does taste better the next day. Here's the recipe. Prepare to get your hands dirty :)

First make the meatballs: (2 points plus each or 3 for two! I love that math sometimes)
1 pound ground chicken breast
1/2 skim milk
1 3/4 cups breadcrumbs, divided
1 egg white
1/4 c fresh spinach, chopped
1/2 c grated parmesan cheese
4 oz mozzarella cheese, cubed in 1/2 inch cubes
2 T olive oil

Prepare 1 1/4 cups breadcrumbs and the parmesan cheese in a shallow bowl. Mix it well, tell it you love it and you'll be back later. Combine milk, 1/2 c breadcrumbs, egg white, spinach and a little salt & pepper if you want. Note on spinach: you don't have to have it. You could do a little parsley instead. But this is a great way to sneak in some vegetables so your kids/husband won't notice. You won't really taste the spinach. Having it bulks up the meatball a bit too so it feels like you're eating more. I say put it in. Mix it really well. It will be a pasty doughy thing. Now add the chicken. Once the chicken joins the party you don't want to handle it too much or you'll have tough meatballs. And tough meatballs are not tasty. Once it's mixed, take a tablespoon sized cookie scoop (if you're lucky enough to have one. Hint hint.) or just eyeball it and use your hands and form a little ball. Once it's ballish enough, stick a cube of cheese inside then kind of seal it off with the chicken mixture. This will be messy. You will get sticky and gross but it's worth it. You probably wouldn't get so sticky if you had a really good cookie scoop. Also, note that it's not going to be a firm meatball like a ground beef one would be. These are soft and delicate. Drop the meatball in breadcrumb/parm mixture and roll it around until it's covered. Then place it on a cookie sheet and continue with the rest of the 24 meatballs or so. Depending on how big you make them, this should yeild about 2 dozen meatballs.

Heat a non-stick or cast iron pan then add oil. When it's hot, brown the meatballs about 8 at a time depending on the size of your pan. When they're brown, place them on a paper towel-lined plate or cookie sheet (NOT the same one you put raw chicken on). Finish browning then put in a non-stick foil lined cookie sheet and bake in the oven on 350 for about 15-20 minutes until the chicken is cooked. Trust me on the non-stick foil. When they're done they are crusty on the outside and moist and gooey on the inside. Sometimes the cheese bursts out a little bit while baking and that is so stinking good! Making sure you have non-stick foil.

You can serve these meatballs with spaghetti and sauce that night or freeze them or just put them in the fridge til the next night. It's up to you.

To make the sliders:
Buy a bag of dinner rolls. I decided to get fancy and made some Rhode's Rolls (using the fast method. I'm not that fancy.) and bake til they're done. Most of the points (5) are in these rolls so if you wanted to cut some points out, change your bread. I have 2 bags of 36 rolls in my freezer so I used that. Do what you'd like! I literally microwaved the meatballs which is probably a crime and you should probably bake them again but the microwave worked just fine and I have no regrets! To build the sandwich I spread tomato sauce (can of Hunt's) on both sides of a sliced roll and topped it with a meatball and a piece of mozzarella cheese (1/2 ounce). I popped it back in the microwave for about 30 seconds just for the cheese to melt. You could omit the cheese since there's some in the meatball, but hey, live a little. You could probably add a little fresh basil leaf or something too if you're fancy, but I'm microwaving here and that's about as nice as things are going to get.

Serve with potato chips. Which will be next week's recipe.

Week Four: Maybe if I take off my belt...oh wait I'm not wearing one

I'm very superstitious when it comes to my weigh-ins. I don't eat or drink before I go. (this is why I go to the 9:00 meeting). I make sure I pee before I leave. I don't wear jewelry or even a hairband because I just don't want the extra weight. I wear the same shoes each week but take them off anyway before I step on the scale. I'm sure these things really don't make that much of a difference, but I'm superstitious and it's just the way I roll.
So as I stepped onto the scale this morning I made sure to exhale all the extra air that might be inside me (because it weighs oh so much) and held my breath. My silent goal was to reach 5% weight loss today. I was .2 pounds away from that. Not 2, but .2. Emphasis on POINT. Maybe if I took my bra off I could have made it, but alas, I was just a smidge off and didn't quite make it.

HOWEVER

I lost 2.2 pounds this week and feel super great about it! 2.4 would have been awesome because I would have hit that little milestone, ok huge milestone, but I cannot frown upon 2.2 pounds! Even with the doughnuts I had for breakfast Saturday morning, I am still on my way and feeling really good. I'm finally noticing that my clothes are fitting better and I'm even fitting in clothes that haven't fit in months. I wanted to write that I was squeezing in those clothes but to honest, I'm not squeezing!! I'm zipping up in peace! It's been just over a month since I started Weight Watchers and each week I am reassured that I can do this and that it works. It isn't a temporary thing. The weight loss part is temporary. I will not always be counting down pounds and hoping for certain numbers. To be honest, the counting down part is a lot of pressure sometimes. It makes losing 2.2 pounds seem less of a victory because you were .2 away from a big goal. The true victory will be when I can wake up every day and see the same number on the scale. Give or take a bit. The true victory will be when I can hold up these pants that I'm wearing now and say, "wow these are huge!" and give them to Goodwill. The true victory will be being able to shop online and imagine how the clothes will fit me because I'll have the body that I'm not trying to hide. The true victory will be when I can say I am healthy, happy, and stay that way.

As I said, each week I am reassured that I am on the right path and I am doing great. I have never had such success so regularly as I have in the past month of Weight Watchers. I feel good and I feel like I can do this forever. And next week, I plan to get a big sticker that says 5%!!!

My Progress:
Week one: 4.6 lost
Week two: 2.2 lost
Week three: .8 lost
Week four: 2.2 lost

Total lost: 9.8

Small Victories

I found myself in a situation this evening where I was standing in front of a table full of pieces of a pumpkin-based dessert of some kind. It had a cobbler/crisp hybrid crust and lots of whipped cream on top. I looked really tasty. I took two plates; one for Ellie and one to share with Jack. Both kids took one bite and they didn't want anymore. So I had two plates of this delightful dessert in front of me. I took about 4 bites and realized that I didn't need to eat the whole thing. It was good but it wasn't the greatest thing in the world. So I threw them away. The starving people in China are crying on their pillows right now, but I did it. I threw them away because I didn't want to eat them. It was a small victory.

And I totally ate a sundae at Chick-fil-a today.

Emphasis on small! But a victory none the less. And I chose a small sundae instead of the peach milkshake so yet another small victory. The peach milkshake is so good...

I feel good about the choices I made today. I don't feel deprived and I'm happy with who I am today. I can do this!

Week Three: Slow & Steady Wins the Race

I had a crazy week. I tried really hard to stick to one dessert a day and have been pretty successful. However, I did go out to lunch with Corey on Friday to BJ's. BJ's is not known for their lighter fare. They are known for deep dish pizza, giant burgers, and the Pizookie. I ordered very sensibly and had a half salad and half flatbread thing. Not guilty. Then I shared a Pizookie. Ice cream on the side, awesome. But still, I ate half of it. And still didn't feel bad. It was so stinkin good. Sometimes you just need to go for it. Saturday, I drove up to Fort Worth and saw my cousin then headed to my brother-in-law's house for the night. My sister-in-law had a baby shower and the food was to die for! Her mom is an amazing cook and had made chicken and dumplings and cobbler. I loaded up on fruit and salad and had a reasonable helping of chicken and dumplings and just one serving of cobbler. There were little Dove chocolates in bowls all around the house and I only ate 4 the whole weekend. I would normally have eaten 4 the minute I walked in the door. So even though I kind of stretched it this week, I feel like I did pretty well. I didn't over-indulge but I allowed myself to have fun and not let food and points ruin my world.

On that note: I lost .8 pounds. It was a little hard to see less than a pound lost since the past two weeks have been amazing, but I have to remind myself that I am a human and I had two big weeks and my body just doesn't shed 4 pounds every week. I'm so close to my 5% lost goal that I think that's what made it a little sad. But I'll keep at it. The fact that I went out and at non-weight watcher meals and still lost weight just encourages me even more. Right now I'm on the losing weight train. But eventually, I will be a healthy weight and will just need to maintain that weight. I think that scares me even more than losing weight. I've always bobbed up and down so keeping one number seems like it is just impossible. But last week I felt like I lived a normal life but with some healthy changes that I can stick with forever. Changes like, one serving of something, eating apple slices in the car instead of cookies or other typical car munchies, drinking water and lots of it, and of course one dessert a day.

I can do this. I didn't gain weight. I lost it. I shouldn't be disappointed in that. I can't be focused on numbers. I need to focus on eating the right foods and moving more. I can and WILL do this. Even if it's .8 pounds at a time.

I've decided to post my weekly progress just so I can see it. You know, an extra motivator.

Week One:    4.6 lost
Week Two:    2.2 lost
Week Three:  .8 lost

Total lost: 7.6

I can do this.

Recipe of the Week: Pumpkin Bars

I decided that I'd like to keep track of some of my favorite Weight Watchers friendly recipes here on this blog. I am no food blogger and a very amateur photographer but this is for me and if it helps other people get some ideas that's great. Just don't knock it! I tried these today and realized that I needed to put it on my blog but of course I didn't think to take pictures until they were already done. So I've written the blog as if there are pictures, and I'll enter them later. Again, don't knock it!

My first recipe is for Pumpkin Bars. I know, I know, I just said I need to limit my treats, but I said limit it to one a day. And frankly, I could eat one of these every day for about a month. And with the recipe making 24 bars, it would be pretty easy to do. But my kids really like these so I better freeze some so I actually get to enjoy them!

I first tried pumpkin bars when I flew to Dallas with Corey to meet his family. We were all playing a very controversial game of dominoes and his mom made these for us to eat while Corey's brother Josh pulled out stupid rules to make me lose at the last minute just because he couldn't bear placing second. 8 years ago. Still not over it. He has apparently forgotten.  Back to the bars. I love the mix of cream cheese and pumpkin and these bars were the perfect balance of both. However, with a cup of oil, 4 eggs and 2 cups of sugar, these bars are not the perfect balance for my new lifestyle. So I looked to lighten up and came up with these. Not to toot my own horn, but they are knock your socks off kind of good. And 3 Points Plus. With frosting! The perfect recipe for a dominoes rematch...

Start with a can of pumpkin and a spice cake mix. Dump both in a bowl and add a cup of water. Mix it really well.

Spread the batter on a jelly roll pan taking care to make it pretty on top because it's not going to change much when you bake it. Instead of using non-stick spray, I use non-stick aluminum foil. It's a little more pricey than regular foil and way more pricey than spraying your pan, but it is fabulous and totally worth it. Food does not stick to it and it doesn't do anything weird to your food either. No weird crusts or colors or unexplained slime. Just food. It also protects your pans so they look nice and pretty. It also lessens the amount of dishes I have to do. I hate doing dishes. And using non-stick foil is 0 Points Plus. Can you tell I like the stuff?

Moving on...

Bake your bars for about 20 minutes at 350 degrees. Check with a toothpick and when it comes out clean, they're done.

The hardest part may be to let these cool completely. Your house will smell so good. Just enjoy the smell and do some laundry or something. Then make the frosting.

The frosting is loosely based off of a Hungry Girl recipe. You'll need a tub of Fat Free Cool Whip,light cream cheese and powdered sugar. The real stuff. I don't love the aftertaste of artificial sweeteners. Start with a tablespoon and see if you want it to be more sweet or not. Totally a personal preference.

So mix the cream cheese and sugar together until it is really soft and nice to work with. My trick to fold in the Cool Whip is to take your rubber spatula and spread the cream cheese all around the bottom and sides of the bowl. It's not rocket science and shouldn't be perfect, just kind of spread it all out like it's going to give the Cool Whip and nice warm welcome when it joins the party in the bowl. Obviously, dump in that tub of Cool Whip and then gently fold it all together. As you scrape the sides of the bowl with each fold, the cream cheese is more gradually introduced and I feel it made it easier to incorporate than working with a big lump of cream cheese at the bottom of the bowl. But there are no rules. Fold until there aren't many lumps and the lumps you have are quite small. Maybe if you whip the cream cheese first it might be better, but that would mean getting out a mixer and dirtying another bowl AND beater and I just can't get myself to do that.

Now your frosting is done and ready to spread on your cooled pumpkin bars.

Spread it on all nice and even. Resist temptation to lick the spatula. Or give in. Not like I've ever done that... Cut into 24 bars. I used a pizza cutter licking wiping the blade between each cut. You could also use a plastic knife which is my tool of choice for cutting brownies. Try it if you haven't. It changed my life. For these, however, I liked the pizza cutter.

I haven't tried freezing these yet so I will edit when I have and let you know how it turns out.

Until then, enjoy!

Pumpkin Bars with Cream Cheese Frosting
Serves 24      3 Points Plus (2 without frosting. But why would you not want the frosting?)
Ingredients:
Bars
1 - 15 oz can of pure pumpkin
1 - 15.25 oz spice cake mix
1 c water

Frosting
1 - 8 oz tub Fat Free Cool Whip, thawed
6 oz light cream cheese, room temperature
1 or 2 tablespoons powdered sugar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line a jellyroll pan with non-stick aluminum foil. Combine pumpkin, cake mix and water in a medium bowl and stir until well mixed. Pour batter into pan making sure to spread it evenly. Bake on center rack for 20 minutes or until inserted toothpick comes out clean. Cool completely.
For the frosting: Mix sugar and cream cheese together until well mixed and cream cheese is soft and pliable. Gently fold in Cool Whip. Spread on cool bars. Cut into 24 squares, rectangles really, and serve. Win dominoes.

Week Two: Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater

Last week I lost 4.6 pounds and was floored and elated and scared. This week became crazy and I was busy, and tired, and emotional, and so lonely without my husband. He's working evenings and most days I literally see him for about 20 minutes in the morning, and 20 minutes very late at night. One or both of us are mostly unconscious when we are together for these 40 minutes a day. It has been challenging to keep my patience and energy high to take care of my kids by myself all day and night. I really miss him and notice that my eating habits were not so good last week. I can't blame Corey, or my kids. I blame myself. It was a hard week and honestly, I did well considering how crazy I feel inside. Weight Watchers says that by following the program and going to the meetings, you can expect to lose 1/2 to 2 pounds a week. This week I lost 2.2. I know, who's the complainer? Me. I am very happy to see less poundage on the scale and more poundage on the "pounds lost" chart. That truly is a victory.

However, I have noticed that in the past few days, while I have stayed in my points range, the points I've racked up aren't necessarily from the best foods. I've been sneaking in too many desserts. A Rice Krispy treat after lunch, an ice cream bar for an afternoon snack, and then some other sweet thing before bed. I see how easy it is to slip back into my old ways. Old ways meaning having some type of dessert/treat 3 or 4 times a day. That's how you gain weight people!

So my challenge this week. One dessert a day. If I want something sweet, eat an apple. One dessert/treat a day. We'll see if that can help the way I feel.

Don't get me wrong. I'm excited for my progress. I am holding onto that and look forward to a new week. A week of less treats. I am learning that how much you weigh does not equal how good you feel. It's not a cause and effect. Weight shouldn't determine how you feel. Maybe how you feel should determine your weight? When I'm stressed or lonely I eat. When I'm happy and have it together, I play, clean my house, serve others, etc. So this week: One treat a day. See if that can change how I feel about myself and then so how it affects my body.

Tally Ho!
(Really? Who says that? And I don't even think I spelled it right. Why can't I just end with something like, Let's Go! or I can do this? Because I'm lame and Tally Ho was the first thing that came to mind. Whatever.)

Down, Down, Down...

I attend meetings on Tuesdays, but my eTools say to weigh in on Saturday. I'm sure that can change but for now I've just been weighing myself on my own scale and tracking that. Using my scale, I've lost over 7 pounds now! I've been using the Points Plus program for less than two weeks and I'm already really seeing changes. Okay, maybe not seeing but definitely feeling. I have a little more spring in my step. I have noticed I've been moving more and sitting less. And even on my really bad day (Thursday, and it totally went downhill about 4:00) I stayed within my points limit and woke up Friday and saw it as a new day. In the past this would have been an event in which I would have felt justified giving up. But I didn't and I'm 7 pounds lighter.

My first meeting was about Thanksgiving and how we all had the ability to lose 4-16 pounds by then. Rachel had a bag of apples and a watermelon and a big plastic wad of fat that weighed 5 pounds to show us what that would feel like. The bag of apples alone felt like a lot. Guess what, I've lost a bag of apples! This is doable. I don't feel deprived and still eat chocolate. I just eat it differently. Except for on Thursday, I have found that I really do have it in me to have just a little bit and be satisfied. And I just remember in my head, "Nothing tastes as good as fit feels." Because so far it feels pretty good!

I'm not losing weight...

I saw this on Pinterest today:


















Amen sistah. Or brother. Whomever said it.

So today I almost slipped but stayed strong. It's only noon, but I feel better about the rest of my day. Last night Jack woke up at midnight with croup. I took him in the bathroom and turned on the shower until he calmed down. I put him back to bed but he was still very noisily breathing. I brought an air mattress into his room and "slept" by him. About 3:30 I couldn't hear him breathing anymore. I got up and couldn't tell if he was blue or if there were just shadows on his face. So I woke him up and he started coughing and sucking in and was having a pretty rough time. I ended up taking him to the emergency room where he got got a breathing treatment and some steroids. We got home about 6:00 and I "slept" for another hour. This brings me to a total of 2 1/2 hours for the night.

This morning I was tired, emotional, and starving. I debated stopping at McDonalds after the hospital. Then debated Sonic on the way to the pharmacy. I made fudge (1 Point + for 3 squares) yesterday because I had company coming over. I also made a cobbler (4 points +) for said company. While both were pretty decent recipes as far as points go, I pretty much wanted to eat them all. But kudos to me, I ate a serving and said that's it.

I discovered today that I eat when I'm stressed, tired, emotional, bored, etc. But mainly stressed. I usually have no self control and just allow myself to stuff my face with whatever tasty goodness it wants. But after having a reasonable portion of the things I craved, I realized that was all I needed. What really helped me was talking with friends. Stepping away from the situation for a bit. And serving others. I don't need food to make me feel better because the foods I think will make me feel better actually make me feel lousy. It was a nice moment today. Even under crazy circumstances.

Now I will nap.

Week One: Hoping for a negative number

I walked into my meeting this morning just hoping for some kind of loss. I about peed my pants when I saw that it was 4.6 pounds! I first just felt a rush of adrenaline like I had won the lottery. Well, maybe not the lottery but at least a free night's stay at a resort or something. I felt like this was all worth it. There were a few times this week that I didn't want to get up and walk but I forced myself and ended up enjoying it. There were more than a few times when I just wanted to make some chocolate chip cookies or fudge (totally craving fudge right now for some reason) but I went with some better choices and felt good about it. Better choices meaning not eating cookies because I just really wasn't hungry and didn't need them. I feel like my efforts in calculating points for all my recipes and adding them all up was worth it. I was pretty much super excited.

And then I was not super excited anymore. Now I feel a little pressure. I lost 4.6 pounds! That's so much! Granted, I didn't eat or drink anything before I weighed in. That's why I go to the 9:00 meeting. So I thought, was this just because I didn't eat anything this morning? But 4.6 pounds is more than an empty stomach. I do give myself credit for that. I'm trying to hold onto the excitement. Giving myself credit is a hard thing for me to do, but really I did it. I exercised, I watched my points, I made good choices, I planned ahead. I just need to keep going...

Things that worked this week:
-I planned ahead for a football party. I knew there would be pizza and wings and yummy stuff so I ate a light breakfast and lunch and saved enough points to enjoy what was there. But I also planned out what I would eat. I allowed myself one piece of pizza and stuck to it. Without Weight Watchers I would have eaten 2 or 3 at least. I filled my plate with fruits and vegetables and ate those first. I saved points for a treat which was so amazing (s'more rice krispy treats: think golden grahams instead of rice krispies. Yeah they were good.) But I only ate one. I'm sure I could have eaten that whole pan but I stuck to one and felt good about myself!

-I also planned ahead for dinner on Saturday night. I had a girls' night and we met at Jason's Deli. I would normally have thought that they had a healthy menu, but I went online and started calculating points based on their nutrition facts. Holy Moly!!! Corey's favorite sandwich, the meatball, has 71 grams of fat!!! It was like 36 points! The Zucchini Grillini was 19 points. I would have thought that was safe since it is all vegetables. So I picked out what I was going to order before even going to the restaurant. I got a turkey reuben and a cup of onion soup with fruit. 15 points. Then I snuck a few weekly points for chocolate ice cream. 5 points. Again, I ate pretty light for breakfast and lunch and felt like I did a good job with a restaurant. Bravo star for me. Apparently planning ahead works for me. Whether it's planning for a night out or even day to day, planning has been key for me.

-I walked Monday-Friday. I didn't allow myself to use activity points to swap for food. They were there if I wanted them, but I didn't feel like I need them. I'm hoping to keep that up as I continue to lose weight.


Overall, I feel like this is doable. Now that I have done it for a week, I feel like it will just get easier and easier as I understand the program and get used to my new life. Because that's what this is. It's not a temporary fix. It's a new way of life and I'm gradually changing and becoming this new life. Like the fat caterpillar on A Bug's Life. "Look at me, I'm a beautiful butterfly!!!"

Day One: Let's Get it Started in Here

Holla to the Black Eyed Peas. When I was in college and sort of ran, "Let's Get it Started" was the first song on my playlist. Okay we'll get real, it was a CD. This was before the Steve Jobs takes over the world revolution.

I signed up for Weight Watchers. I said I'd do it and I did. I was a bit taken aback at how warmly embraced I was. Rachel, obviously, was so welcoming and made sure I was set up. But there were 2 receptionists who were just as warm. They had both been through the program and were living proof that it works. They also understand where I'm coming from and they were really great. The meeting was fun and upbeat. As I sat and listened, I felt so overwhelmed. When I came home and started navigating the eTools and the website I was even more overwhelmed. I feel like there is so much information to know! After the meeting I went home and thought, "I have no clue what to eat for lunch." I knew how many points I could eat and how to calculate the points, but I had no idea what food would be the best choice! I ended up eating a salad and felt good about it. I know with time this will all become second nature, but right now it seems rather tedious. But I'm committed and taking it a day at a time.

I love the recipe builder eTool but I swear it adds more points than you'd expect. If I just calculated my recipes by ingredient as I cooked them, the math would be so different. That's been a little frustrating. I don't know when to count points individually and when to put it in a recipe builder. Question for next meeting I guess.

Another thing that surprised me about my initial meeting was that they didn't ask me to set a weight loss goal right away. The receptionist asked me to take some time and get used to the program and then decide. I thought that was awesome. Right now my goal is to lose weight this week. I'm hoping for a pound. Maybe two. We discussed how it is totally possible to lose 16 pounds by Thanksgiving. Man, that would be fantastic. I think it is very realistic that I could lose between  8 and 16 pounds by Thanksgiving.  So I'm starting with this week. I want to lose a pound or two. Then next week, I'll have the same goal. My starting weight is 195.4 pounds. So not where I'd like to live. I am taking it one day at I time. I wake up and decide that I'm going to be good today. By the afternoon when I'm hungry and want a cookie (okay, 6 cookies) I tell myself, just get through today. I can do anything for a day. Then I start again the next day.

I have one more day until my next meeting/weigh-in. I can do one day.

Weight, Weight, Don't Tell Me...

I was introduced to the public radio Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me by my husband, Corey, a few years ago while we were living in Kingsville, TX. It was on Saturday mornings and we often listened to it on our drives out to Corpus when there was nothing else on. Which was a lot. As old as it makes me sound, I love that program. It is witty and quick and fun to listen to. I think what won me over was when they asked what Apple will come up with next since the iPad and one of the guys said, "the Max iPad." Take out the space between the words. That's comedy right up my ally. It makes the news light and fun instead of dismal and depressing. And that's why I have named this blog what I did. I have seen my weight as something dismal and depressing since I was 12. I'm looking to lighten up. Mentally and physically.

A lot of people view weight loss as a journey, which I agree it is to some extent. However, I don't want to call this a journey. Because to me that means there will eventually be a destination. And once you get to your destination, you typically turn around and go back home. I'm planning to relocate. Move to a foreign land with a new language and culture where I can assimilate myself and become one of the locals one day. That's how I am going to view this. I'm not going to have a ticker at the top of this blog that says how far I am in reaching my goal. I'm not going to count down how many pounds I have left to go. When my good friend Jill's husband went to PA school, instead of counting down she tallied how many days he had been in school. So it will be with this blog. I feel like if I keep track of my progress on the internet, it will somehow keep me motivated to keep going. I will be accountable. I can imagine hundreds, heck, thousands of followers who are counting on me to succeed so I can inspire them.

So why can't I get myself to tell anyone about this blog? I plan to eventually. Obviously, if you're reading this I have already done so or you just happened to stumble upon it somehow. But as I write this I am pretty scared to embark on this relocation. I'm afraid to fail. I'm embarrassed that I even have 40, 50, okay 60 pounds to lose. I feel as if I haven't even accepted it yet. Yes, I've always felt fat and don't like my body, but I don't see myself as a big fat girl who needs to call Jenny. But the truth is, I'm over 190 pounds. My BMI is 29 and I am overweight. I'm tall and apparently don't look like I weight close to 200 pounds but the scale doesn't lie. I'm not happy in my own skin. I feel self conscious all the time. It's bad enough to be taller than most people and feel like you tower over them, but to be fatter than them all just adds to the circus freak mentality. I see other people who are physically fit and see not only how cute they look in their clothes, but how much energy they have. I see them running with their kids. I see their houses clean and organized. They just seem like they have it all together.

I'm not doing this solely on looks. In all honesty, I do want to be smaller and wear cute clothes and look good in them. I do want to take pictures without worrying about a double chin or a stomach roll. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see looking back at me. But I also need to do this because frankly, I'm just unhealthy. I'm on 2 different blood pressure medications, one for thyroid, an antidepressant, pills to lighten my period and some stuff for anxiety attacks. I blame my inherited kidney disease but to be honest, I'm sure my health problems would be lessened quite a bit if I was at a healthy weight.

I have tried to lose weight on my own since I was 13. Obviously I was never successful. I lost about 20 pounds in college on a diet of community gallons of ice cream and cold cereal. But I was 20 and walked, did yoga and even ran a bit. And cold cereal and ice cream was pretty much all I ate. Before I got pregnant with my second child, Jack, I lost another 20 or 25 pounds (don't worry, the 20 pounds I lost in college had come back) by counting my calories and following the lose the baby weight diet from Parents magazine. My motivation was Jack. I thought that if I wanted another baby without complications, I should lose weight and that would make things better. At least as far as my blood pressure was concerned. That ended up not being true and I had complications anyway. On top of that, I ended up gaining close to 50 pounds with that boy and am now 20 heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight.

I visit teach a Weight Watchers success story. She is tiny and when I met her I figured she's always been skinny and never had a problem with food. Then I saw her blog and read her journey. Talking with her over lunch at Chick-fil-a has inspired me and brought me to a decision. I'm joining Weight Watchers. The points, the meetings, the whole bit. Corey supports me in this and maybe by doing this it will help my whole family. Why am I not shouting it from the rooftops? Because I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. I'm self-conscious. And maybe I'm not convinced that this isn't going to work. Lane Bryant has really cute clothes. My husband thinks I'm beautiful and I have great friends. But I'm not happy. I'm ready to begin my relocation to a foreign land and become a local. I'm talking my family with me. And I'm not moving back. I am Diane Lane in Under the Tuscan Sun. I'm ready to start my life and be the person I want to be.

Here goes nothin...